I'm jealous of your bromance
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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