what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
