I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
