i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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