Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
