I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
