Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
