Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
