Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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