I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
