$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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