This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
