the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
