he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
