update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
