And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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