Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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