So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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