I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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