I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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