On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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