So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
