I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize