we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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