Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
