My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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