paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
