she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
