he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
