soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
