I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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