I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
