so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
