woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
