Betty ford says i'm here all night
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
