FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
