The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
