Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
