I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
