Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
