i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
