Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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