i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
