I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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