We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
