My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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