A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize