life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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