Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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