Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
