My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
