Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
