I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Randomize
