you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am naked and annoyed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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