Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
