he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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