I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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