My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
