today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
