the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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