two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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