The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize