I will die if light touches me.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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